


The Gold Stick of Joy

by Daovihi



Series: People are dying and everything's on fire because of a sex toy [2]
Category: Wiedźmin | The Witcher (Video Game), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Humor, M/M, Sexual Content, Sexual Humor, Swearing, all anyone ever talks about is the Stick, bb gets mad, but its not porn its just constant discussion of the Stick, geralt and regis' relationship at the end can either be interpreted as romantic or platonic, marlene is both a perv and a troll, regis is uncomfortable with dildoes, this should be rated p for preteen for how immature this is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-05
Updated: 2017-01-05
Packaged: 2018-09-14 21:27:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9203852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daovihi/pseuds/Daovihi
Summary: "I managed to beat him, and then I got a trophy out of all that. Would you like to see it?""Yes, I would.""It's in my bedroom, follow me."The two nonhumans got up from their seats, with Regis tailing Geralt. They reached the bedroom and entered, with Geralt moving to pick up his trophy when Regis saw it. A solid gold object with a round base and a somewhat narrow cylinder sticking out out the top, with a rounded-out triangle on top."Uhhhh… Geralt… why do you have that?" Regis points to the golden object."Oh, this? It was originally part of Marlene's dowry, but she got cursed before she got married. After I lifted the curse on her, she gave me her dowry, this," Geralt lifts the object by the rod and brings it closer to Regis so that he can see better. "included. I put it here because I thought it would look nice next to my fist-fighting trophy." And with that, Geralt put the object down."Uhhmmm, Geralt, that's a… never mind. You said there was a wine named after you?"





	

It was a warm summer afternoon. Geralt and Regis were hanging out in Geralt's home, specifically in the main hall, drinking and having a good time.

 

"…And when all of that was over, I got a wine named after me that Coronata and Vermentino claimed could become more popular than Est Est."

 

"Really? I would like to try some of that."

 

"I don't exactly feel comfortable about cannibalism"

 

Both men laugh at Geralt's joke.

 

"Did I ever tell you about the time I won a fistfighting competition here in Touissant?" Geralt asks.

 

"No, I don't believe you have." Regis refills both of their glasses.

 

"Okay, so for the first fight, some guy just keeps spewing out insults, but he does it poetically, so I start insulting him back poetically. Basically, I was… What's the term?"

 

"You were in a  "sass war," as the youth would say."

 

"We were in a saas war, and while it was fun, we had to fight. The fight was fun but unremarkable, except for the sass war. After I beat that guy, I went to the next fight, where I had to fight a knight who refused to reveal their identity until they were defeated. Let me tell you, they put up a really tough fight. I was there for a while, but I managed to beat them by feinting a left and then punching them on the side of their forehead and knock them out for a short time. After they woke up, they took their mask of and, lo and behold, she was actually a woman. She expected me to be a prick towards her, but I just complimented her fighting and took my winnings."

 

"And for the third fight? I believe you have to fight three people in a fistfighting competition."

 

Geralt pauses to take a drink, then he speaks. "For the third fight, I had to fight a drunken sailor while I was also drunk."

 

"You were drunk during the fight?" Regis raised his eyebrows.

 

"You see, the sailor made a bet with me that if I beat him while drunk, he would give me more coin than if I fought him sober. Naturally, I accepted, so I drank the strongest alcohol I had on me. When I was done, I fought him. What I could see was like looking through a kaleidoscope, so I took several hits. I managed to beat him, and then I got a trophy out of all that. Would you like to see it?"

 

"Yes, I would."

 

"It's in my bedroom, follow me."

 

The two nonhumans got up from their seats, with Regis tailing Geralt. They reached the bedroom and entered, with Geralt moving to pick up his trophy when Regis saw it. A solid gold object with a round base and a somewhat narrow cylinder sticking out out the top, with a rounded-out triangle on top.

 

"Uhhhh… Geralt… why do you have that?" Regis points to the golden object.

 

"Oh, this? It was originally part of Marlene's dowry, but she got cursed before she got married. After I lifted the curse on her, she gave me her dowry, this," Geralt lifts the object by the rod and brings it closer to Regis so that he can see better. "included. I put it here because I thought it would look nice next to my fist-fighting trophy." And with that, Geralt put the object down.

 

"Uhhmmm, Geralt, that's a… never mind. You said there was a wine named after you?"

 

\-----------

 

A week passed by, and Regis all but forgot about the shiny golden object residing in Geralt's room. However, that was soon to change.

 

"Geralt! I found your sword!" Regis opened the door to Geralt's house while holding a sword in one hand, stepping inside. He strained his ears for signs that Geralt was home. He could not hear Geralt, but he could hear Marlene muttering something to his left, in the master bedroom.

 

"Heh heh heh… so he decided to put it there, huh?" When Regis opened the door to the room, he saw Marlene standing in front of the gold object. Marlene, hearing Regis, turned around. "Oh, hello."

 

Trying to ignore the gold object, Regis put in a request to Marlene. "Could you give this back to Geralt?"

 

"Oh, sure! Isn't this the sword he lost?"

 

"Yes." And with that, Regis gave the woman the sword and attempted to leave the old lady to her devices. Key word attempted.

 

"You know," Marlene picked up the gold object. "Before I gave this to Geralt, this was an heirloom in my family for centuries."

 

"Alright."

 

"It's called the "Gold Stick of Joy." This is used for-"

 

"I said alright."

 

"Now there, sonny boy. Didn't your mother teach you to respect your elders?"

 

"Ma'am, I am older than-" Marlene lightly bonked Regis upside the head with the Stick. She couldn't hurt him, even if she tried, but it got the message across.

 

"As I was saying, the Gold Stick of Joy is a family heirloom." Marlene brings the stick closer to Regis' face until it was just an inch away. "It is used to enhance sex and to masturbate with. Ask me a few questions about it."

 

If Regis wasn't uncomfortable before Marlene practically shoved the Stick in his face, or before Marlene spelled out the purpose of it when he already knew what it was, then he was certainly uncomfortable now. "Why?"

 

"Because sometimes, people aren't satisfied with-"

 

"No, I mean, why are you doing this?"

 

"You looked like you needed to know." Marlene covered her laugh with a cough. "Why aren't you walking away? I can't keep you here, you know."

 

"It's against social ettiquite to walk away from someone while they're talking to you." Neither of them continued the conversation, for immediately after Regis stopped talking Geralt walked in.

 

"Ah! Perfect timing! I found your sword!" Regis quickly grabbed Geralt's sword, spoke faster, and then left even faster.

 

Geralt watched Regis go, then he turned to Marlene. "What were you two doing?"

 

"Oh, we were discussing the history of this Gold Stick of Joy."

 

"So that's what it's called. Does it do anything?"

 

"It brings joy and pleasure to those who hold it." Marlene handed the Gold Stick of Joy back to Geralt and then left the building.

 

Later on, rumors about the personal chef laughing when she's all on her lonesome and the state of her mind circle about Corvo Bianco. When asked about it, she just said, "Let's say it has something to do with vampires and heirlooms."

 

\-----------

 

"Geralt, the.. Gold Stick of Joy… what do you think it means?"

 

Geralt looked at Regis weirdly. "What are you getting at?"

 

"I mean… what does the name mean to you?"

 

"It's a stick made of gold that brings joy. I don't think there's much to it." Geralt stated matter-of-factly.

 

"What kind of joy do you think it brings?"

 

"Dunno. I'm sure I'll find out soon." Geralt picked up the Gold Stick of Joy and held it towards Regis, with the thin end pointed outward. "Why? You want to-"

 

"NO."

 

"Okay. If you don't want to." Geralt put the Stick down on its rightful place, where everyone that enters the room can see it and admire its beauty.

 

\--------------

 

"Um, Geralt, about the Gold Stick?"

 

Geralt, who was closely examining said stick in his alchemy lab, looked up and faced Regis.

 

"It's not enchanted or anything, in case you were wondering."

 

"Ah, well, I've been thinking, and, ummm… you know how the Stick is shaped like that?"

 

"Like what?"

 

"…Nevermind. Anyway, I think it brings joy because…" Regis trailed off, hoping that Geralt would somehow read his mind so that he wouldn't have to continue his extremely awkward sentence.

 

"Because…?" Geralt raised an eyebrow.

 

"You… put it in… things…" When Geralt failed to respond, Regis raised his hand and thrust in in the air a few times.

 

"What?"

 

"You know what, nevermind. It was a stupid idea of mine. Sorry for taking up your time." Regis, not for the first time since arriving at Corvo Bianco for the first time, rushed out of the room as fast as his legs could carry him.

\-----------------

 

"You know, if you think about it, the Gold Stick of Joy and your fistfighting trophy are similar."

 

"How so?"

 

"They both bring joy."

 

"Could you elaborate on that?"

 

"Oh my, um, both of them, they…" Regis muttered so low that Geralt could only make out "up the butt."

 

"Could you speak up?" Geralt requested.

 

Regis said nothing, he just walked up to a wall and repeatedly banged his forehead on it. After he did this approximately fifteen times, Geralt had to walk up to him and stop him before he damaged the wall.

 

"What's gotten into you lately?" Regis said nothing. "Are you bringing up the Stick a lot because you want it? I can give to you if you like."

 

A pregnant silence followed, neither Regis nor Geralt dared to move. Then Regis turned around and spoke up.

 

"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!" Regis screamed so loudly his face morphed into something hideous, the house rattled like it was in an earthquake, all the glasses in the kitchen cupboards broke, Geralt lost consciousness, all the servants woke up, and somewhere in Nilfgaard a cat freaked out.

 

When Regis was done talking using a single loud word, he realised he had hurt Geralt and attempted to wake him up, but to no avail. Regis held Geralt close to his body, fearing for Geralt's life.

 

"I'm sorry, my friend. I shouldn't have done that. I lost my temper and overreacted to a simple, innocent question. Please, forgive me." Regis hoped and prayed to whatever god was listening that he hadn't accidentally killed Geralt. Luckily, the gods seemed to pity him, for Geralt had started squirming. Regis reluctantly loosened his hold on Geralt, letting him get into a more comfortable position. When Geralt was comfortable, he looked at Regis and asked him a single question.

 

"WHAT???? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!!!" Geralt yelled into Regis' ear. Regis gave a sigh of relief.

 

"Thank Melitele I didn't kill you. I don't know what I would have done otherwise."

 

\--------------

 

Geralt stared at the Gold Stick of Joy in his hand for a few seconds, then he looked at the fistfighting trophy.

 

"What do either of these have to do with butts?" He wondered aloud. His gaze returned to the Gold Stick, which was resting on his lap, the broad, flat end facing downward. Suddenly, Geralt had an unrelated idea. He might need someone to help him follow through.

 

Walking out of the bedroom, Geralt was met by the sight of Marlene serving Regis what smelled like tomato soup. He seemed happy yet somewhat awkward, but for what reason Geralt could only guess. When Marlene noticed him, she gave him a warm greeting, like a grandmother welcoming her flesh and blood into her home.

 

"Geralt! Good morning! I made breakfast for you and your," There was a pause only noticeable if you were paying close attention. "friend."

 

"Where's BB?" Geralt asked both people.

 

"He's away doing errands. He should be here any minute." Regis replied. He dipped his spoon into his soup and lifted it to his lips, but he didn't drink his soup, for he noticed the suspiciously golden object in Geralt's hand. Marlene also noticed the Gold Stick of Joy, but she didn't let it show.

 

"I'll get a bowl for you, dearie." And with that, Marlene went into the kitchen to leave the men alone.

 

"Regis, I might need your help with something."

 

"Please don't let it be what I think it's going to be." Regis whispered under his breath. "What do you need, friend?"

 

"I have an idea. You know how this," Geralt pointed to the end of the Stick. "is kind of shaped like a hook?"

 

"Yes, I can see that." Regis is, at this point, approximately ninety-percent sure that Geralt suffered brain damage sometime between Regis' "death" and their reunification that made Geralt extremely stupid.

 

"Well, I want to mount it on the wall so that I can hang objects off of it, like hats, coats, monster trophies-"

 

"IT'S A DILDO YOU DUMB FUCK." Regis shouted, not as loud as last time, but it still made Geralt (almost imperceivably) jump

 

"…What."

 

"THE GOLD STICK OF JOY IS A DILDO. A SEX TOY. YOU SHOVE IT UP VAGINAS AND ASSES." Regis' face was turning red from frustration, embarassment, discomfort, and shouting.

 

Suddenly, it all made sense. Regis' strange behavior regarding the Stick was because he knew what it was, and he was trying to tell Geralt, but Geralt was being an idiot. At that moment, Marlene walked into the room with a bowl of tomato soup in her hands and a wide grin on her face.

 

"Oh no. Oh no. OH NO. I TOUCHED IT SO MUCH. MARLENE, PLEASE TELL ME YOU DIDN'T."

 

Marlene didn't do anything at first, then with a widening grin, slowly nodded. Geralt dropped the Stick, and, for the first time in years, trult and utterly panicked. He screamed, and ran around and bumped into the leftmost of the three armor stands, causing it to fall and knock the other two stands over. At the same time, he accidentally cast Igni on the table, setting it aflame. Then, suddenly, Barnabas-Basil entered the house, carrying a large, short cardboard box.

 

"I have brought something called a "pizza," a flat bread with… tomato sauce… and cheese…" BB trailed off, observing the chaos around him. Geralt was hysterical and looked like he was about to cry, Regis was completely red in the face with a look of horror in his eyes, armor was strewn about, the golden dildo that BB has seen and heard a lot of was lying on the ground, and Marlene had the biggest smile on her face he had ever seen.

 

And the main table was on fire.

 

Normally, BB was a patient man. After all, he was trained since childhood to keep his temper in check so he could perform his duties as majordomo effectively. However, in the ten minutes he was gone, somehow the people here had managed to do whatever the hell is going on here, which he inevitably had to clean up. So he did the only thing he could do to calm himself down in this situation.

 

"What the fuck, guys? I turn my back for two seconds and you've somehow managed to fuck everything up. How the fuck did this even happen? Can you babies seriously not take care of yourselves without me?"

 

Everyone looked at him, shocked to see the normally cool and collected man become so furious. Marlene grinned yet again, then she snickered, and then she was full blown laughing.

 

"I'll, ha ha ha, tell you when… when you're older sonny boyyyyy AH HA HA HA HA! OH SWEET LEBIODA! HA HA HA HA HA!"

 

The trance over Regis broke, and he collected himself. Regis walked over to Geralt, who was slightly calmer now but still freaking out, and picked him up bridal style. He proceeded to transport the witcher to his room. Marlene, however, picked up the Gold Stick of Joy.

 

"Don't forget this, boys!" Marlene threw the stick at Regis' back. Regis paused when the stick impacted, flinching, but he disregarded Marlene and her proceeding laughter.

 

Regis entered the bedroom and laid Geralt down on his bed, and then he closed the door so that he and Geralt could have some privacy.

 

"Are you alright?" Regis asked after a moment of silence.

 

"Mhm, yeah. Just got a few bruises."

 

"I'm glad you're alright." Regis sat down on the bed, next to Geralt. "How do you feel?"

 

"Exhausted. Can't imagine how you felt when you tried to tell me what it was."

 

Regis had to think for a moment to realize he meant the Gold Stick of Joy. He chuckled lightly.

 

"I was mostly uncomfortable, but I never really panicked."

 

"You're not gonna let me live this down, are you?"

 

"Nope." Both men laughed. "I don't think Marlene or BB will either."

 

"Probably not. Soon, everyone in Touissant will hear about this."

 

"So, how are you holding up mentally?"

 

"I'm traumatized. I'm gonna have flashbacks to this day every day and no one's gonna care."

 

Regis laughed. "I see you're being whiny again."

 

"I don't give a shit. I'm gonna take a nap." Geralt tightly wrapped his arms around Regis' waist and immediately passed out.

 

"Uhh, Geralt?" Regis poked Geralt with his knuckle, but Geralt didn't respond. "Geralt. Let go of me… Fuck. What do I do?"

 

Regis didn't want to wake Geralt up, as he needed his rest, but Regis needed to leave so he could go to the guest bedroom to sleep. Regis couldn't see a way to get Geralt to let go without waking him, so now he was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Regis contemplated his situation for a little while, and found a solution to his problem that let both of them sleep, but…

 

"Dammit Geralt." Regis sighed. He took his shoes off and changed his position so that he was lying down next to Geralt. "Don't think lesser of me when you wake up."

 

With that, Regis closed his eyes and fell asleep.

 

\-------------

 

"Finally, that took forever to put out."

 

Marlene wiped the sweat off her brow as BB, leaning back on his chair with his feet on the table, watched her as he took a bite into his pizza.

 

"Want a slice?"

 

"Sure, don't mind if I do." Marlene took a seat next to BB and took one of the remaining slices of pizza. "You know, all of this was entirely my fault."

 

"How so?"

 

"I gave Geralt the Gold Stick of Joy in the first place and I didn't even bother telling him what it was. Instead, I told Regis to make him super uncomfortable."

 

"It's a good thing you're going to be the one to clean this up."

 

"I don't regret a damn thing."

 

"I can see why. In hindsight, it was pretty funny."

 

"Let's toast to that." Marlene raised the remainder of her pizza slice.

 

"To screwing with the master of the house."

 

They touched their pizzas together and continued eating.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I dedicate this fic to grabby-hands-for-benedict because they inspired me to write this fic in 2 days when I normally never finish my fics. Also, they were a gold mine of ideas for me to use when I got writer's block. Without them I probably never would have finished this.
> 
> As for the reason Regis is uncomfortable with the Stick in this fic despite being extremely comfortable with sex in canon, I don't exactly know, maybe he walked in on his parents while they were using a dildo or something idk. Grabby and I discussed how Regis would react to the Gold Stick of Joy chilling near Geralt's bed and I had to write a fic based on it.


End file.
